Welcoming a Baby After a Loss

On May 30th, Carter Bennett Collins made his grand debut and we could not be more in love. Carter quickly settled into our world. He has met so many of our friends and family, he is accustomed to our routines like evening walks around our neighborhood, and he thinks his fur brother Franco is just the goofiest. Every day we thank God for this blessing and promise to do our best as his parents.

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“Every good and perfect gift is from above.” James 1:17

But something is very different in our home. Even though he is the only child living under our roof, he isn’t our first baby. The firsts with Carter, were not our firsts as parents. When we left the hospital with only one baby in tow, and no other children at home to greet us, it would appear that we were clueless new parents who were about to be broken in by this bundle of joy. But we weren’t. We have been down this path before. The first time we gave him a bath, bottle, or watched him break out of his swaddle, were firsts with Carter, but not our firsts as parents. This isn’t the first baby to sit in our puppy swing, or the first to play in the nature activity gym. Carter isn’t the first baby to sit up in our frog chair. In fact, watching Carter sit in the frog chair for the first time, brought tears of joy, but also sadness because his brother Graham sat in that chair first.

Moments like this remind me, that Carter is loved in a very different home than most of the people we know. It is a home full of love, but also blended with happiness, sadness, excitement, and also grief. As I watch Carter in the frog chair, I imagine what it would have been if Graham were there. I imagine Graham helping Carter play with the butterfly toy, and watching the two of them laugh when Carter discovers the crinkle noise it makes. This is when I miss Graham the most. I wish Graham could kiss Carter, or I even wish for a moment where Graham becomes jealous of the attention a new baby takes from him. I wish Graham was here to make our life twice as messy, twice as crazy, twice as loud, and twice as happy. But he isn’t. And that is the reality of the world Carter is in. As a mom, I don’t want this hurt Carter. I do not want the differences in our home to make Carter feel any less loved, because that is not the case at all. But the reality is, with joy, there will always be a bit of sadness in our hearts.

Although this battle between happiness and loss is ever present in our home, one thing that is constant is our faith. When grief strikes, we are reminded to turn to God and ask for His help when we are struggling. When we look at Carter and our hearts feel as if they will explode, we thank God for this blessing He has given us. The scripture, “Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise,” could not be truer in our home. Carter’s smile melts my heart every day and I know we have a healthy son because of our Heavenly Father. But there are days when my heart hurts and prayer is the healing medicine I need. When I notice the grief weighing on my heart, I also use it as an opportunity to talk to Carter about his brother. We still have many photos of Graham in our house, and we chose to keep many of Graham’s toys, clothes, even some of the artwork and décor from his room. At first it was tough to see Carter in “Graham’s stuff” or playing with “Graham’s toys” or even looking at a room that looked similar to Graham’s, but we realize these “things” are great avenues for Carter to get to know his brother. It’s a way for us to talk to him about Graham and for us to share how special he was to us. These moments where we can talk to Carter about Graham are more special than anyone can know. But as much as we love sharing our Graham memories with Carter, we love watching Carter become his own silly self, making his own stories for us to share.

That is the next adventure for our family and it is one that I am so excited to take on. God chose us to be Graham and Carter’s parents and I am forever grateful for that. I know this journey of motherhood will be complex, but with God’s help, I will do my best for both my boys.

Pregnancy After a Loss

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It’s been an exciting spring in the Collins’ household as we prepare for the arrival of baby Carter Collins. After our successful transfer, we tackled many items on our to-do list. From nursery preparation, to tying up loose ends at work, to enjoying quiet date nights before the baby arrives – we have been busy! Although it is quite satisfying to check things off our baby prep list, it’s also been an emotional time for our family as well. We’ve experienced everything from happiness to fear, which I think is common after the loss of a child. Not to mention, my pregnancy with Graham was anything but normal! I think many women who experience miscarriage, stillbirth, or an infant loss share similar feelings. The pregnancy is welcomed, but our grief and worries often overshadow the excitement. When Brandon & I struggle with fears, we often pray. Philippians 4: 6-7 reminds us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” When worries creep in, I remind myself to stop, thank God for all that He has done, and pray for peace over my anxious heart. In those moments, I am reminded that Carter is a child of our Heavenly Father, and since he is in God’s hands, there is no need for me to worry. It’s not always easy given our past, but it does help knowing that Carter has the best brother and his Papa T looking out for him as well.

In the midst of our fears, we made sure to celebrate this sweet baby. We put together a pregnancy book, something I never did with Graham since he showed up so early. Brandon was able to capture countless bump pics to document our journey, we took a babymoon to New York, and our friends threw us the most thoughtful sprinkle. Baby Carter is loved by so many and for that, we are so thankful. I know many women who experience similar fears as us, let that dominate their experience, and if that is what they want to do, then that’s ok. But I wanted to make sure that this baby knows even when we were afraid, we were also so excited to meet him.

I have also struggled with the inevitable comparison of Carter to Graham. I am so excited for Carter to get here, but I do worry about comparing him to Graham, and vice versa. I know every parent probably shares a similar concern when expecting their second child, but in our case, I can’t help but feel it’s a little different. I want to make sure to balance how we honor our first born Graham, who we lost, without it affecting our second child Carter, who is alive, in a negative way. What I mean is, I don’t want Carter to feel like he can’t live up to this memory of Graham, and I don’t want Graham to feel left out or that Carter is a replacement by any means. I know these concerns might sound silly. As I type it out, I can’t help but think how absurd I sound, but I often find myself worrying about this. Carter will be able to do things Graham never did – he’ll run, talk, even hug and kiss us. And as he grows up, he’ll give us memories that Graham never can. But Carter will also be able to talk back, break rules, disappoint us even. He’ll behave like every other child and teenager, again something Graham never can. Even though they are both our children, the experience raising them will be vastly different. I pray that Graham and Carter know we appreciate their differences and love them both equally.

As you can see, these aren’t the typical fears and concerns most expecting moms face. But at the end of the day, all that matters is we are having a baby! Sometimes it’s hard to celebrate and shout out because of our past, but I remind myself, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland” (Isaiah 43:18-19). This is God’s new plan for us and we must rejoice in it. And as for our fears for the future, I know everything will fall into place as God continues to lead the way.

Our Journey to Have an Alpers’ Free Baby

Brandon & I are excited to announce we are expecting an Alpers’ free baby in June! We are beyond excited, and of course grateful for this new addition. It’s been a tough road to get here, and we know that Graham was with us every step of the way. As I researched our options and the process available, I tried to find people in similar situations which at times seemed impossible. And even when I did connect with a few women through social media, we all agreed that we felt like most people didn’t understand this process or what it was like for us. I decided to write a post about our experience to hopefully help others who might feel alone in their journey, but also to educate others who are simply unfamiliar with genetic testing and infertility treatments. I must warn you, this is a long post, but I think it’s worth sharing.

The conversation for future children began immediately after the doctors diagnosed Graham with a rare genetic disease. A genetic counselor met with us that day to explain our options for future family planning which seemed rather premature since it was the last thought on our mind as we grasped the reality and severity of Graham’s condition. But what she shared with us did become an important part of our new normal as carriers of a rare disease.

To keep it simple, this is what the genetic counselor explained to us. Brandon & I are carriers of two different variants in the POLG gene that caused Graham’s condition. These mutations cause Alpers’ disease. We know the life expectancy ranges from 3 months to about 10 years, and in our case, Graham passed away 10 weeks after his first symptom, which led doctors to believe the variants we carry are probably more progressive than others. These mutations are recessive, which means the likelihood of a child inheriting these affected genes from us is 25%. Even though 25% may not seem that high of a number, when you think of the severity of the disease we carry, couples like us, who conceive naturally, face a terrible risk.

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But there is one process that can reduce the risk to less than 2% called IVF-PGD. Preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) is a procedure used prior to implantation to help identify genetic defects within embryos created through in vitro fertilization (IVF). This prevents certain diseases or disorders from being passed on to the child. IVF-PGD begins with the normal process of IVF that includes egg retrieval and fertilization in a laboratory. PGD involves removing one or two cells from the embryo, then the cells are evaluated to see if there is a problematic gene present in the embryo. Once the PGD procedure has been performed, the embryos free of genetic problems can now be used for a transfer. The optimal accuracy of PGD for a single gene disorder is 98%, which is pretty incredible if you ask me. After doing much research, we decided this was the best fit for our family and began our IVF journey.

I’ll be honest – before this process I knew nothing about IVF except it helped women who could not have children have children. I thought it always worked, I knew it was expensive, but assumed insurance covered it, and had no clue what toll it took on your body. I quickly learned how naïve I was.

We met with our IVF doctor in February of 2017. It was an informal meeting to explain to us the process, to complete the remaining blood work for genetic testing, and discuss the financial cost, which is probably the most overwhelming component, but it is definitely worth every penny if it can spare us the pain we experienced in January. We were told we were ideal candidates for IVF since we conceived Graham naturally without an issues. We left the appointment confident and determined to make this work for us.

The next step involved creating a probe specifically for the genetic mutation Brandon & I carry. Since we were able to send off my DNA, Brandon’s DNA, and even Graham’s DNA, the genetics group was able to create the most accurate test possible. The probe was completed in April and now we could move forward with the IVF process. At this point I discovered IVF treatment or preventative genetic procedures like PGD are not covered by my insurance. I was shocked. After doing more research and investigating, this isn’t unusual. Unfortunately many employers and our lawmakers do not understand the necessity of tests like this for families like ours which is why there is limited coverage. Most families who decide to move forward with IVF for infertility or even genetic purposes have to pay for the treatment out of pocket. I truly believe this is unfair and hope over time this changes. I did my best to educate my employer on the necessity for coverage and was somewhat successful in changing our policy to now provide partial coverage for anyone who wishes to go through infertility treatment, which is amazing! But I did not get coverage for the genetic component. As grateful as I am that some IVF coverage was awarded, I hope as more people like myself share and educate the public about the importance of preventive genetic procedures this changes.

Once coverage went into effect, we were now cleared to begin. June was a whirlwind of appointments, regulating what I ate to help ensure the best egg quality possible, and waiting for my body show it was ready for treatment. After several days of shots, pills, and patches, we were ready for the retrieval on July 4. Our doctor only retrieved 11 mature eggs, which I am thankful for, but we knew the odds were not in our favor in this process, so we hoped for more. As I lay there trying to process the news and in pain from the surgery, I overheard the doctor reveal to another couple who just entered the recovery room that he was able to retrieved 18 eggs from her. I remember feeling jealous and I also remember feeling like a failure. My body failed to produce the number of eggs we hoped for and I didn’t know why. I know it was not a rational thought, but that is the reality of IVF. Women put so much pressure on their bodies to produce a certain result, and when it doesn’t happen, you feel like you failed. It’s awful. To make things even worse, the retrieval hurt. Some women are back on their feet working the next day, but that was not possible for me. It took several days before I felt comfortable just walking around my house, but eventually I started to feel like myself again.

As I my body began to heal, we waited on the results. On July 5, we received the first of many phone calls with results on how many fertilized, if the embryos were growing, etc. My heart broke when I received that first update. Only 4 of our 11 eggs fertilized! We were devastated. We hoped for at least 10 embryos to make it since it would give us the best chance at having at least a few healthy embryos. I had a goal in mind from all my research as to what the best scenario would be and we did not meet it – in fact, we weren’t even close to it. I was also upset by the cost for such disappointing results and I was angry. I was still angry at my body, now I was mad at Brandon’s, and I was frustrated at the situation we were in. It just seemed so unfair. After that phone call, I realized I had two choices – let the darkness in and throw myself a pity party or turn it over to the one who knows my suffering, knows my pain, but also knows the joy in store for us. After a good cry, I chose to pray. I chose to pick myself up and research what our options were and what to do next while waited on the results. We truly needed a miracle for those four embryos to make it Day 5, to survive the biopsy and freeze, and then test chromosomally normal and Alpers’ free. As I’m writing this, I am reminded once again at how many obstacles these little embryos had to face. And what did God do? He showed us His abilities. All four of those embryos made it Day 5 and were rock stars! They all passed the PGS test, which checks for possible chromosome abnormalities. Given my age and the fact this is a rather unnatural process, many embryos that mature are not necessarily chromosomally viable. It was a miracle that all four were healthy! And when it came to last hurdle, the PGD test, we found out of the 4, 3 embryos were viable and 1 was inconclusive. We have 3 possible children! I know that these results were only possible because of God. If you look at science, statistics, or even speak with our doctor, given our Day 1 results, it did not look likely we would have any healthy embryos – let alone 3. We took this as yet another reminder, no matter how far science and technology advance, God plays a HUGE role in making all things possible. Without Him, it is not.

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It is now August. It took that long for my body to heal and that long for the results, so now faced the final phase of the IVF process – transferring one of our embryos. Once again I had to prepare my body for the process, eliminate sugar and stress as much as possible and wait for the perfect window to transfer. There were many shots and pills to help with the process, and on September 15 we transferred one perfectly healthy embryo. Despite all the advances and gains in medicine, when it comes to the transfer process it sometimes works, and sometimes it just doesn’t. Our doctor told us upfront for a woman my age, I should expect a 70% chance of a successful transfer. Once again we found ourselves in a situation out of our control. This was in God’s hands – not ours. While waited to see if the embryo “stuck” we tried every old wives tale like eating Brazil nuts, drinking Pom juice, and my favorite – eating french fries from McDonald’s right after the transfer.

We also prayed a lot. A friend shared a set of prayers for the two week wait, which was incredibly helpful. Most of the prayers reminded me to hope in the Lord, that He is for me, and nothing is impossible with God. These reminders were much needed over the next 10 days. On the morning of September 25, I went in for the first blood test to see if I was pregnant. That afternoon my doctor called and shared that my numbers were perfect! I was pregnant! As we celebrated this milestone, we realized we weren’t out of the woods yet. Your numbers must double over the next two days, for the next week, to indicate that it is a viable pregnancy. So every two days, I went back to the office for more blood work, and waited for the results. After another week of tests, we moved forward with an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy. And then after that, we waited to see heart rate and determine viability. We finally “graduated” from our IVF practice on October 19 successfully pregnant with an Alpers’ free baby!

I share this story not for sympathy, or even praise of our strength. Honestly, I share it so others understand what it might be like for their friends, family, even acquaintances who embark on the IVF or IVF-PGD journey. We are lucky, so incredibly lucky that this worked out for us, but to be honest, it doesn’t always end that way. I did not understand this until I was in the thick of it myself. So I hope our story can educate more people on how beautiful, yet truly tough this process can be. I also share this story so that others who are like us, realize they are not alone. For those families who carry a genetic disease, I hope you realize there is a possibility to have a child who is healthy and free of that disease. And although the road may be difficult, it will be worth it. Once again, my faith is stronger because of experience. My relationship with my husband is deeper than ever. And most importantly, we are expecting an Alpers’ free baby! God is so good!

The Truth Behind a Loss

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Since Graham’s passing, I feel different. Things that once mattered to me or I was passionate about, just don’t seem to bring the same excitement. The path I envisioned for myself doesn’t feel right anymore. And I’m sure I am not alone. After any loss, whether it’s a parent, grandparent, friend, or child, you are forever different. You are a part of a club you never envisioned and it can impact you in big or small ways. This “loss” could even be an idea – an idea of a pregnancy or an idea of a future child you desperately want; a loss might not be death, but rather a breakup in a relationship. Those who experience a breakup or divorce lose the idea of a future with their spouse or significant other. I feel like we all can relate to this in some shape or form and understand that when something life changing happens, no matter how big or small, it changes you.

A loss, no matter what it is, is tough. Adapting and changing after the loss, is even harder. Some days, when the struggle is more than I can bear, I must remind myself I am not alone. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) He is with me every step of the way. Even with His strength and the comfort knowing God is with me, does not change the reality that transformation and attempt at healing after a loss is a great challenge. For me, this process is a struggle between who I once was, and this new person I’m trying to understand. After losing a child, it’s a struggle to move forward with life while still remembering Graham and keeping his spirit with me. I notice this most in what excites me now. Not everything is different. Brandon and I love quite date nights at home, and I look forward to chance to catch up with friends over dinner. I still find joy in encouraging my students and trying to get them excited about learning. And, yes, one of the highlights of each week is getting a Chai Tea at the Starbucks during my Target run. Those things are still there, but there are now new things that also bring excitement and in my opinion, bring a greater purpose to my life more than before. For example, educating strangers about rare diseases and the importance of genetic testing brings such joy to me. Sharing a story about how medical research is improving and impacting families like mine is thrilling. Connecting with another mother who understands loss, frustration, pain, and hope is rewarding. As much as I want to hold on to my old interests, my old self, I am without a doubt a new person. Brandon’s a new person. Our family is forever different and we are okay with that.

One of the things I’m realizing is the new me is often talking about rare diseases. As uncomfortable as it may be, it’s a calling I cannot ignore. And thankfully, there are plenty of ways to educate others about rare diseases, including something happening in February. Last year we participated in a Jeans 4 Genes Day on World Rare Disease Day &  I’m very excited to announce we plan to do it again! MitoAction, an organization dedicated to improving quality of life for those who are affected by mitochondrial disease, is partnering up with Global Genes, one of the leading rare disease patient advocacy organizations in the world. On February 28, 2018 we ask that you too participate in a Jeans 4 Genes Day. Ask co-workers, teachers, students, friends, family, etc. to donate $5 to wear jeans in honor of World Rare Disease Day. For more information about organizing an event please visit http://www.mitoaction.org/jeans-4-genes. It may sound silly to wear jeans and post on social media about the day, but it’s so much more than that. I truly believe when we talk about rare genetic diseases, we are educating the world about genetic testing and prevention, which makes a difference!

I’ll get off my soap box now. But as you can see, this is what matters to me now. This is what happens after a loss. You are different. You aren’t afraid to use your voice to show the world what truly matters now. As I try and adapt to this new path, I continue to trust in the Lord. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do, and he will show you the right way.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) Once again, I can’t say it enough, God is good. He provides hope and strength when we need it most. He provides us with direction when we feel lost and guides us through these changes we face after a loss.

Another New Year

 

Happy New Year

Over the last few weeks, we gathered with family and friends and celebrated the holiday season. We reflected on the past year – the good and of course, the bad – and we began to think of all the possibilities in 2018. I recently revisited my CaringBridge post from January 1, 2017 and it still resonates with me:

“It’s easy to create a lists of goals or prayer requests we hope God will listen to, but once again we are humbled at the reality it’s not up to us. We will continue to serve our Father & do we what we can to carry out His plans for us this year. God promises us He is with us always. He is with us when we go through deep waters, when we go through rivers of difficulty, & when we walk through the fires of oppression. He tells us, “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland,” Isaiah 43:19. Today marks the beginning of a new year, & we hope a new chapter for Graham. We will work beside God to see what He unfolds for us.”

Obviously, the chapter we envisioned for Graham last year shifted, but I am proud of how his memory still continues to impact many friends, family, and even strangers. Even though 2017 was not as good to us as we originally hoped, it still included many memories that we will always cherish. And one thing that is true from that post, God has been with us every step of the way.

Like many, Brandon and I discussed our resolutions for the year. We wish to grow in our faith and want it to become a stronger foundation for our family. We want to live a healthier life, one where we eat well and exercise more. I have been busy pinning recipes and despite the freezing temps, Brandon and Franco have been on many runs around the neighborhood. We also discussed one more resolution that I am probably most excited about, but I also know it will be the hardest – maintaining a positive outlook. Brandon and I want to find joy in every day. We want to thank God for the blessings in our lives, instead of focusing on losses or the unknown. As much as I try and stay positive, sometimes fear of more pain, fear of another loss, and fear of the unknown creeps in. I have especially felt it recently and because of that, I want to pray more and praise Him more. We have so many high hopes for the year, but we also know that resolutions are simply declarations. As much as we wish for these resolutions to happen, we know it is up to us to do something about it. We can’t just simply hope or talk about these lofty ideals, we must act on it. We know it won’t be easy, but we believe by encouraging each other, leaning on God, and finding strength in the scripture, we can do it.

As we begin to settle in 2018, we look forward to what new and exciting plans God has in store for us. We hope those plans include Georgia winning the national championship on Monday!! Go Dawgs!! But in all seriousness, we are ready to take on 2018. With God leading the way, we know this will be the best year yet.

 

Wonder, Acceptance, & Faith

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Graham’s birthday is approaching and I cannot help but wonder, what would he be doing right now? He would be almost two, and we wouldn’t be adjusting his age anymore. Two is huge milestone in the preemie world and this birthday would be so special because of that. As a two year-old, he would be acting like a toddler. He would have more emotions, tantrums, and joys than before. He would be walking, running, talking – things we never witnessed. Brandon and I often talk about what he would look like? I wonder, would his hair be lighter or darker than before? Would it be long or curly? Would he like Thomas the Train and Paw Patrol like other boys his age? I wonder what type of eater he would have been – would he love blueberries, chicken nuggets, and juice? I also wonder what memories we would have made this year. Would he have attended his first Georgia game with Pop? Would he have ran his first 5K this past weekend, or would it have been his 2nd or 3rd? Would we picking out outfits to take family photos for our Christmas cards? There are countless things we wonder about, and unfortunately, we’ll never know.

What we do know, is what we remember. And we remember his love for Snuggle Puppy, his parents, Mimi, Pop, and Gigi – he always smiled, he rarely cried, and was a brave boy. When we look back at pictures, it’s now easier than ever to see he was sick. His disease was a silent one, but there were clues. We notice how weak he was because he wasn’t able to sit well or how tired he must have been because of how often he napped – Graham loved his sleep, which maybe that’s normal for some, but I think it was another clue that his little body wasn’t making enough energy so he needed that rest. When we remember and recall those memories, and we talk about how much we miss him, we also recognize that he’s finally better. That’s something we never wonder about. Now, he’s healthy, he’s strong, and his running around – something he wouldn’t have been able to do here. So even if he isn’t with us, we know he’s more alive than ever. We know he’s in a much better place.

Franchesca Cox wrote, “When you lose a child you are haunted by a lifetime of wonder.” The truth in her quote resonates with me. Brandon and I will always wonder about the possibilities in Graham’s life. We will mourn on the memories taken from us, but as a parent we cannot be selfish and think only of our selves. Isn’t that the first rule in parenting – you place your child’s needs before your own? So that’s our philosophy – as much as we miss Graham, we know his life with a genetic disease like the one he suffered from, would not be a life he deserved. Of course we wish he never had this disease in the first place, but that isn’t what God had in store for us, which we have accepted. And because of our faith, we are thankful that God’s love for Graham is why Graham’s running around in heaven playing with so many friends that we know are up there with him.

We are also grateful that we will not spend a life time wondering what happened to Graham and why. We are blessed to not only have a diagnosis, but we are also able to learn more about this disease and prevent spreading it to Graham’s future siblings. I think that is the greatest gift we can take from his life – learning about the genetic disease Brandon and I carry and how we can prevent it. That’s something we will never have to wonder about, something that makes us lucky.

As we get closer to Graham’s birthday there are many things we wonder about, and I’m sure these are things we will always wonder. When we wonder about what could have been, I turn to the Romans 8:24, “For in hope we have been saved, but in hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?” Brandon and I choose to trust and wait for what is still unseen. God is with us and there are so many possibilities left to be revealed for our family.

Changing Seasons

Summer was a busy season in the Collins household.  Between organizing Mimosas for Mito, moving into a new home, and the start to a new school year – our plates were full. I took some time off from writing and focused on to-do lists and chores, but as things settle down I want to keep sharing what weighs on the heart of a mother who lost a child.

Mimosas for Mito was a huge success! I posted on FB and Instagram the grand total which am I still blown away by. In case you missed it, we raised over $10,000 for the UMDF, which is just incredible. Since the event, I coordinated with the organization to create a family research fund in Graham’s name. For every $10,000 we raise, we will now have the choice to decide where the donations are allocated. We plan to have neurologists guide us, along with the UMDF advocates, to help us select research grants that will have the greatest impact in helping other children like Graham who are diagnosed with disorders caused by a mutation in POLG gene like Alpers’ disease. We are very excited about this opportunity and hope it will raise more awareness and understanding about these diseases.

Even though it was a difficult decision to leave our first home, moving into a new house has also been an incredible blessing. Our home on Sanders was the first house we lived in as a married couple. It was the first home for Franco and it was Graham’s only earthly home. The physical house was home to many memories – both beautiful and heartbreaking, which is why we decided it would be best to have a fresh start somewhere else. Isaiah 54:10 states, “For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” The change in scenery was our choice, but no matter where we call home, God’s love for us and His promises would follow us. As we packed up and left, we knew the memories that we cherished most, would accompany us anywhere.

Our home on Sanders Ave will always hold a special place in our hearts
Our new neighborhood is great! We have met so many neighbors and have already made so many new friends. Creating a new home for our family has been a wonderful challenge that has kept us quite busy. Between painting, a couple remodeling projects, and decorating, it seems like every weekend there was a new to-do list or another Target run. Between the chores, we did find time to relax by the pool or socialize with new friends during Food Truck Fridays.

One aspect of moving that I did not anticipate was how difficult it would be to meet people who didn’t know our story. In the past, making new friends has been fun and exciting, but when you are meeting someone new after a loss like ours, it is completely different. It’s something I wasn’t prepared for. I remember the first time our neighbors asked if we had any children. I was literally speechless from the many emotions I felt, so I looked at Brandon awkwardly and waited for his response. When he said no, it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I know it was the right response since this was our first encounter with a family who will live next to for years, but it was difficult to hear. It was our first impression, and we wanted to make sure we made the “right” impression and sharing something so heavy when you’re making small talk just didn’t seem right. It sounds silly, but it mattered to us. I replayed the scenario multiple times in my head afterwards. We were casually standing in our yards, separated by a fence, sun beating down on us. It was clearly a brief hello in the midst of unloading boxes and it wasn’t the right time to share our story, but it also didn’t feel right to ignore it either. I doubt many people analyze an encounter like this the way I did, but it mattered to me. It still does. I still struggle with finding the right moment, the right way to unload such a burden, because that’s what it feels like. When you tell someone you lost a child, it immediately changes the conversation and tone of the encounter. You also have to be mentally prepared to not only share your loss, but you also have to share or possibly “fake” how well you are doing in that moment to protect this person from feeling like they have upset you. I know the person never expects that, but for me and Brandon, we don’t want to feel like we are saddening anyone by sharing our story. As you can see, it’s not easy to casually drop yes we are parents, but our son is in Heaven, within the first moments of meeting someone – at least it isn’t easy for us.

After about 2 weeks of casual small talk, Brandon and I were really ready to share our story, but it still just felt awkward to blurt out what we experienced with Graham. Graham and his memory are too important for a simple casual mention – he deserves so much more than that! On the morning of Mimosas for Mito, right as Brandon was unloading boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts our neighbor passed by. He made some joke about how many donuts  he could eat and then asked Brandon what they were for. It was the perfect opportunity to share about our event, why we organized it, and of course about our sweet Graham. Brandon ran upstairs after the conversation to tell me all about it. He was clearly excited to tell our new friends about Graham, and so was I. It was like a huge burden was lifted now that our “secret” was finally out in the open. Maybe we should have said something the first day, or maybe it was better to wait for this perfect moment, where we can truly help a friend understand our story, I’ll never be sure.

I don’t think I’ll ever know the best way to answer the question, “Do you have any children?” and will probably over analyze every conversation I have with a new person. And I know this will be an ongoing struggle. When we are expecting another child, I know people will ask, “Is this your first pregnancy?” or “Does he/she have any siblings?” These are totally normal questions to most – but to me, these are gut-wrenching questions. I know my honest answer can completely change the course of the conversation, but I never want to deny Graham’s place in my life to protect someone else’s feelings. And for that reason, it is so much easier to surround ourselves by people who know us. People who know Graham and our story, because these questions are tough. I hate to admit it, but I’ve caught myself doing this a lot lately. When I’m at a party or an event, I tend to congregate to the people who know me, know my story, so I won’t be at risk of someone new asking me if I have a child, or when do we plan to have children, or even worse, a pity remark like don’t worry, you’ll have a child one day. It’s questions like this that make me want to stay home or when I’m out, I never want to leave the comfort of my friends. But I know I can’t live like that. I cannot avoid meeting new people and I must be prepared to answer these questions. Who would have thought such a simple question could have such an impact on others?

As the leaves begin to change colors and fall, it is a physical reminder that time continues to pass. I cannot believe it has been 9 months since Graham gained his angel wings. Some days are easier than others, but truthfully, Brandon and I are ok. Our life is very different as you can see by how difficult a simple question like, “Do you have any children?” is, but it also full of many blessings and joys. We are grateful for new friends and the memories we will make as we settle in our new home. God continues to amaze us with how good He is.