It’s been awhile since my last post. I could chalk it up to busyness, work, spending time with my family, but none of that is true. I truly enjoy writing these posts, but lately I have struggled with the words. And if I am completely honest, I’ve also avoided a post because I’m just plain tired.
You might be asking yourself, “She’s tired? Aren’t we all tired?” And I agree with you 100%! Parenthood, spending quality time with those you love, working on your career or passions, and so many other activities consume our everyday lives. We are all stretched so thin, and I get it. But what I’m referring to is a little different. And if you’ve ever experienced loss, I think you might understand what I’m referring to. Grief is exhausting. So now what? I’ve admitted the truth and recognize this, but what can I do? I ask myself these questions all the time.
Jada Pryor wrote, “When we face feelings of emptiness, it is usually because our hearts have grown heavy. When we feel lost, it is usually because we have allowed that heaviness to hold us back from seeking Jesus to lift it.” And she is so right! Grief is overwhelming. It can be debilitating and we need Jesus to help us rise above it. Even though I know this to be true with all my heart, it’s not easy. Our God is good, but our lives on Earth are full of sin, loss, and heartache. And that is why it is difficult to quickly cast all our troubles aside and let God in.
For me, it takes constant repetition and reminders of God’s promises to heal the brokenhearted. Isaiah 40:31 states, “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” And I do hope in Him. With all my heart, I hope! But when I struggle, I doubt myself. I doubt my faith, which I know sounds crazy, but I do. And I’m sure I’m not alone. I encourage us all to work on it. We must forgive ourselves when we struggle or doubt. I must give myself grace when my grief is overwhelming. I must recognize that I am still healing and it’s ok to be tired.
And that’s where I am. It’s been 2 ½ years since Graham gained his angel wings, and I still struggle with this loss. He would be almost 4, and there isn’t a day that passes where I don’t wonder, what would he be doing? And that’s something people don’t always discuss. It’s something I’m afraid to bring up. But when I avoid it, I still carry these feelings. And by not sharing my grief, I continue to be weighed down by it. It’s tiring to juggle life while you’re still mourning the past. I think it’s easy to look at the time that’s passed and think, “It’s been a few years, there’s so many new and wonderful things happening, they must be ok.” When in reality, no matter how much time has passed, the emptiness from losing your loved one does not disappear. It doesn’t even get smaller; it just becomes a part of you and your life, but it does not fade. And lately, this makes me sad, and who wants to read something like this?
It wasn’t until recently that I was once again reminded that through our suffering, God is using us. I have a voice to help those dealing with loss and grief right now. And even though I am tired, I can still encourage hope and help others through our loss. I can shout to those who are in the thick of grief that you are not alone! It is overwhelming and isolating to lose someone you love, but you are loved by so many, including our Heavenly Father.
I can also speak to those who are friends with someone who experienced a loss. I can remind them to check in on your friend. Something as simple as “I know it’s been awhile since your loved one past. How are you doing?” Or it is incredibly powerful to simply say, “I know there are no words that will erase your pain, but I want you to know I remember and I am here for you.” Your words are powerful. I am so grateful for everyone who asks me about Graham, or remembers how old he would be today, or simply remembers he lived. I am thankful for messages where people acknowledge even though they don’t know what to say, they see me. They see the new joys in my life, but they still remember our Graham. And this rejuvenates me. This gives me the energy to share our story, and most importantly, it reminds me that I am not alone. This is God comforting us in our troubles so that we can comfort others! These are His promises being lived out and it’s amazing to watch it unfold.
Thank you for reading, but more importantly, thank you for supporting me as I continue to walk this journey of understanding life after loss.