Changing Seasons

Summer was a busy season in the Collins household.  Between organizing Mimosas for Mito, moving into a new home, and the start to a new school year – our plates were full. I took some time off from writing and focused on to-do lists and chores, but as things settle down I want to keep sharing what weighs on the heart of a mother who lost a child.

Mimosas for Mito was a huge success! I posted on FB and Instagram the grand total which am I still blown away by. In case you missed it, we raised over $10,000 for the UMDF, which is just incredible. Since the event, I coordinated with the organization to create a family research fund in Graham’s name. For every $10,000 we raise, we will now have the choice to decide where the donations are allocated. We plan to have neurologists guide us, along with the UMDF advocates, to help us select research grants that will have the greatest impact in helping other children like Graham who are diagnosed with disorders caused by a mutation in POLG gene like Alpers’ disease. We are very excited about this opportunity and hope it will raise more awareness and understanding about these diseases.

Even though it was a difficult decision to leave our first home, moving into a new house has also been an incredible blessing. Our home on Sanders was the first house we lived in as a married couple. It was the first home for Franco and it was Graham’s only earthly home. The physical house was home to many memories – both beautiful and heartbreaking, which is why we decided it would be best to have a fresh start somewhere else. Isaiah 54:10 states, “For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” The change in scenery was our choice, but no matter where we call home, God’s love for us and His promises would follow us. As we packed up and left, we knew the memories that we cherished most, would accompany us anywhere.

Our new neighborhood is great! We have met so many neighbors and have already made so many new friends. Creating a new home for our family has been a wonderful challenge that has kept us quite busy. Between painting, a couple remodeling projects, and decorating, it seems like every weekend there was a new to-do list or another Target run. Between the chores, we did find time to relax by the pool or socialize with new friends during Food Truck Fridays.

One aspect of moving that I did not anticipate was how difficult it would be to meet people who didn’t know our story. In the past, making new friends has been fun and exciting, but when you are meeting someone new after a loss like ours, it is completely different. It’s something I wasn’t prepared for. I remember the first time our neighbors asked if we had any children. I was literally speechless from the many emotions I felt, so I looked at Brandon awkwardly and waited for his response. When he said no, it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I know it was the right response since this was our first encounter with a family who will live next to for years, but it was difficult to hear. It was our first impression, and we wanted to make sure we made the “right” impression and sharing something so heavy when you’re making small talk just didn’t seem right. It sounds silly, but it mattered to us. I replayed the scenario multiple times in my head afterwards. We were casually standing in our yards, separated by a fence, sun beating down on us. It was clearly a brief hello in the midst of unloading boxes and it wasn’t the right time to share our story, but it also didn’t feel right to ignore it either. I doubt many people analyze an encounter like this the way I did, but it mattered to me. It still does. I still struggle with finding the right moment, the right way to unload such a burden, because that’s what it feels like. When you tell someone you lost a child, it immediately changes the conversation and tone of the encounter. You also have to be mentally prepared to not only share your loss, but you also have to share or possibly “fake” how well you are doing in that moment to protect this person from feeling like they have upset you. I know the person never expects that, but for me and Brandon, we don’t want to feel like we are saddening anyone by sharing our story. As you can see, it’s not easy to casually drop yes we are parents, but our son is in Heaven, within the first moments of meeting someone – at least it isn’t easy for us.

After about 2 weeks of casual small talk, Brandon and I were really ready to share our story, but it still just felt awkward to blurt out what we experienced with Graham. Graham and his memory are too important for a simple casual mention – he deserves so much more than that! On the morning of Mimosas for Mito, right as Brandon was unloading boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts our neighbor passed by. He made some joke about how many donuts  he could eat and then asked Brandon what they were for. It was the perfect opportunity to share about our event, why we organized it, and of course about our sweet Graham. Brandon ran upstairs after the conversation to tell me all about it. He was clearly excited to tell our new friends about Graham, and so was I. It was like a huge burden was lifted now that our “secret” was finally out in the open. Maybe we should have said something the first day, or maybe it was better to wait for this perfect moment, where we can truly help a friend understand our story, I’ll never be sure.

I don’t think I’ll ever know the best way to answer the question, “Do you have any children?” and will probably over analyze every conversation I have with a new person. And I know this will be an ongoing struggle. When we are expecting another child, I know people will ask, “Is this your first pregnancy?” or “Does he/she have any siblings?” These are totally normal questions to most – but to me, these are gut-wrenching questions. I know my honest answer can completely change the course of the conversation, but I never want to deny Graham’s place in my life to protect someone else’s feelings. And for that reason, it is so much easier to surround ourselves by people who know us. People who know Graham and our story, because these questions are tough. I hate to admit it, but I’ve caught myself doing this a lot lately. When I’m at a party or an event, I tend to congregate to the people who know me, know my story, so I won’t be at risk of someone new asking me if I have a child, or when do we plan to have children, or even worse, a pity remark like don’t worry, you’ll have a child one day. It’s questions like this that make me want to stay home or when I’m out, I never want to leave the comfort of my friends. But I know I can’t live like that. I cannot avoid meeting new people and I must be prepared to answer these questions. Who would have thought such a simple question could have such an impact on others?

As the leaves begin to change colors and fall, it is a physical reminder that time continues to pass. I cannot believe it has been 9 months since Graham gained his angel wings. Some days are easier than others, but truthfully, Brandon and I are ok. Our life is very different as you can see by how difficult a simple question like, “Do you have any children?” is, but it also full of many blessings and joys. We are grateful for new friends and the memories we will make as we settle in our new home. God continues to amaze us with how good He is.