As we kick off the holiday season, I am conflicted with various emotions. I am excited to gather with friends and family and I am so eager to create new traditions with Carter. But I also dread another holiday without Graham. I think it is especially difficult for us, because this time of year not only reminds us of what we lost, but it is also a reminder of when things drastically changed in our lives.
Graham entered this world very early on November 17, which meant his first Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent in Northside’s NICU. The following year, as much as we hoped to celebrate a holiday at home, Graham was hospitalized on November 22, which meant we spent another Thanksgiving and Christmas in a hospital. When I look at this month on a calendar, I am flooded with memories of uncomfortable hospital chairs, monitors beeping, and worry. I am overwhelmed with sadness as I think back on those days.
And I know we are not alone. I am confident if you asked another person who experienced a loss, they too have a time of year, a month, or even a day, they dread. A moment when their entire world turned upside down. Ours just happens to be during the season we often describe as the most wonderful time of the year. And even though our hearts still ache as we remember those days, I am noticing a little excitement as we enter the holiday season and it is because of Carter.
Carter continues to bring so much light and hope into our lives. I am thankful for him and the chance to make new memories with him at home. But I want you to understand this – anyone who loses a child or a loved one, that hole from the loss never closes. For that reason, when you enter our home during the holidays, you will notice a holiday craft the NICU nurses made with his hand print; there is a stocking on our mantle for Graham, and within our holiday photos displayed, there is a photo of Santa visiting with Graham in his hospital bed. Even though our memories are in hospital rooms and very different from the typical family traditions, they are still the memories we have, and for that, we are still lucky.
But I do cherish the opportunity to take family pictures not in a hospital, and I look forward to making cookies with Carter, or having Carter cry when he meets Santa, and I am especially excited to wake up in our home on Christmas, with our little family under one roof making new memories together. Although our life looks very different from what we imagined, it is our story. But more importantly, it is God’s plan for us. He chose us to be Graham and Carter’s parents. He picked us to not only demonstrate God’s love for us, but to also show His goodness despite tragedy. He is using us to make a difference.
In the spirit of the holidays this year, we ask for your help. Help us honor Graham and fight for other children like him who are affected by rare diseases. By rallying together and fundraising for prevention and ultimately a cure, we can make a difference. Share our story. Tell others about God’s grace and goodness. Or, if you’d rather, support our cause. Donate to Graham’s fundraiser page, or better yet, give to our event. For more information, check out “Our Mission” page and find out how you can help us with our goal.