Category: Finding Hope

This week Brandon and I celebrate our 3^rd wedding anniversary. When we said our vows on that sunny, hot Saturday, we promised to love each other for better or worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part. We vowed to appreciate one another, to cherish our friendship, and to face any challenge together. However, never in our wildest dreams did we envision the obstacles that we faced this year.

When life is turning upside down and you are grasping to stay afloat, your marriage, and relationships in general, are impacted. Brandon and I have witnessed this first hand. Many couples who experience a loss like ours are forever changed. Our loss is obvious with the absence of Graham, but even prior to that, when he first became sick and we were faced with the idea of parenting a child who was medically fragile and with special needs, we mourned the idea of what Graham’s life was supposed to be. I think many parents who have children with special needs can relate to this. Regardless of where you fit in the spectrum of loss, your relationship with your spouse, with your partner, with your family is different. I believe there are two options –the situation can tear you apart, or your relationship becomes stronger. I am lucky to say, for me and Brandon, we are closer than ever.

Before our wedding, Brandon and I participated in a premarital counseling program offered through Buckhead Church. Each week we met with an amazing couple, Bill and Betsy, and as a group we discussed what was written about marriage in the Bible, along with real life experiences in Bill and Betsy’s marriage, and our own expectations. One of our favorite scriptures we read was from Mark 10:6-9. “But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” The idea that God joined us together and that we mustn’t let anything separate us is something we adamantly believe in. This is engraved in Brandon’s wedding band and it was even read aloud at our ceremony. In the busyness of life, it is something we sometimes forgot, but when Graham became sick, and our life quickly became full of doctors rounding, nurses drawing blood, feeding tube training, and so many therapy sessions, we turned to this scripture once again. God created Brandon for me, and me for Brandon, and this awful, terrible circumstance will not separate us. Instead, it actually strengthened our faith and our marriage. It was God’s plan for us, and we listened to Him. It’s not easy though. This scripture is simply words on paper. It’s up to us to act accordingly. We must be kind to one another, we must keep courting and dating, and we must lift each other up when it is needed. Our actions and the love we share strengthens our bond and that will keep us together. When life becomes dark and difficult, we must choose to remember that God joined us together, and nothing, not even the losses we experience can separate us. Our life together, despite the hardships, will keep getting better and better, until death do us part.

As we celebrate our third anniversary, we also reminisce on the past, including our first wedding anniversary. Not too many people know this story, but on the morning of our first wedding anniversary we found out we were expecting Graham. It was the perfect gift to celebrate one year of wedded bliss! Our anniversary will always be a little bittersweet now that Graham has gained his angel wings, but it is something we will always treasure and remember as we celebrate this special day. When looking back at that first anniversary compared to now, it’s easy to feel sad, lost, and even resentful over what could have been. But Brandon and I find it as another reason to celebrate, another reason to find joy amidst our adversity. Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. (James 1:2-3) In just three years of marriage, we have experienced our fair share of trials, and we know there will be more. But we find joy in knowing that our faith, that our love for each other, will get us through anything. And it also helps, knowing we’ve got a pretty awesome little boy looking down on us cheering us through whatever else comes our way.

When life doesn’t look like how you pictured it, or when things aren’t going your way, it’s easy to complain, or even turn against God for not helping you. It is so much easier to focus on what’s going wrong in your life, and blame others for our troubles. But what if we didn’t? What if we looked for His greatness in the midst of suffering? 

When Brandon & I pictured a family together, this is not what we envisioned. During my pregnancy, we dreamed about Graham playing little league, building sandcastles on family beach trips, and road trips galore! We beamed thinking about the milestones he would reach, planning his future and his success. But those visions for Graham do not exist anymore & our family picture will never be the same.

Since Graham’s passing, many people ask if we want more children. The answer is always a quick yes. We know another child will never replace Graham or fill this hole in our hearts, but when you watch a piece of yourself grow into this beautiful child who laughs, smiles, and is just picture perfect, you want more. It’s like a drug. And we want our parent “fix” again. When the doctors presented Graham’s diagnosis and explained how his disease was inherited from us, we immediately asked how will this impact future children. We learned that if we choose to have a child naturally, that child faces a 25% chance of having Alpers’ disease. 25% does not seem too high, but after watching the symptoms of this disease manifest in Graham, we know it’s not worth the risk, especially since there is no cure for Alpers’ disease. We were given a few other options, from adoption to IVF-PGD, and we explored the possibilities in depth, analyzing what will be best for our family. Whatever we decide, it will be very different from our first daydream of raising a family together. Again, it’s easy to dwell on how unfair this, or how unnatural this may be, or how expensive it is. But at the end of the day, I think it is wonderful that we have options. I think it is amazing how far science and technology have advanced, giving us an opportunity to have future children who are genetically our own but healthy. Whatever ends up happening, we will be grateful for this new possibility.

Life isn’t always full of butterflies and rainbows. Complaints, frustrations, and heartaches are always present. But these obstacles do not define me, or you. And I will not let them cloud the beautiful life God is creating for me, nor should you. “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” (II Corinthians 4:17). As we encounter troubles, remember they are fleeting. They are trivial compared to God’s plan for you. They are minor compared to God’s promises for you. As your perspective shifts, you will notice that “picture” you originally envisioned isn’t nearly as beautiful as the one that He is creating for you.