It’s hard to believe it’s been eight years since we last kissed our Graham. Eight years since we watched him take his last breath. Eight years since we said goodbye for now. Eight years living and surviving with our grief. Eight years.
Anniversaries like today stir so many emotions for me. And when I’m overwhelmed, I sometimes like to disconnect and slip away, which we will do later today. I also find it therapeutic to write out what I’m feeling. When I shared with Brandon what I wrote, he encouraged me to turn it into a post, so here we are.
What have I learned?
I like to think these last few years have made me wiser. Here are few takeaways:
Grief comes in waves. Sometimes it’s a wave that truly sucks you under and you are fighting against a raging rip current to get up. Other times, it’s a small splash that you easily jump over. My advice to anyone experiencing their own grief is to take it day by day, and feel whatever it is you are feeling. And when you are knocked down, there will always be someone throwing you a lifeline when you need it. Always.
No matter how many days, months, or years pass, you will never get over this grief. Give yourself grace as you accept that things will always be different. Different isn’t necessarily bad, it simply means the life you have after your loss will never be the same as before. And that’s ok.
It’s also ok to not be ok. For me, it’s easier to be strong and help others, and I’m slowly learning that if I don’t take the time to refill my own cup, I won’t survive. It’s ok to tell someone you are struggling, it’s ok to decline a dinner invite and spend the evening recharging. It’s ok to be selfish and do what you need to do so you can find a way back to being “ok”.
Love big, worry less. The most important change I have experienced is a new outlook on life. I try to appreciate even the littlest moments and never take them for granted. Life is a gift, and every second we have together is precious. We need to appreciate those moments and forget about the stress. Some days this perspective is a struggle, and when I find myself consumed with worry, fear, and sadness, I try to find gratitude. And when all else fails and the darkness is creeping in, I pray.
Where am I now?
I’m living life to the fullest in our post-Graham world. I have learned to describe my life in two parts – my life before Graham passed, and the years after Graham. Losing him isn’t anything you get over. It’s not like a bad breakup where time and therapy help you recover. Instead, with a loss, you simply change. And you still need that therapy! It helps tremendously. But if I’m completely honest, I still carry a lot of trauma from our hospital stay. I wrote a post about this. It’s a long one. And it’s heavy, more so than what I like to publish, and it’s real. It’s a large part of who I am today, for better or worse.
I am incredibly lucky to have two healthy, silly and sweet boys who are my whole world. I do not take this for granted, and never will. I have also learned to not to worry about every little thing. You’d think after losing our first son, we might be those helicopter parents who try to control each and every piece of their lives, but I’m not. If anything I learned I cannot control what happens to my children. I can take care of their daily needs; I can help them learn; I can take them on trips and buy them all the stuffies, legos, and Pokemon cards; I can do so many things for them, but I cannot shield them from things out of my control like sickness, accidents, and tragedies. I can help them learn to trust God and to pray when life is hard. I can teach them to love big and to be kind. I can give them my whole heart.
We talk about Graham, loss, and heaven in our house. There are photos of all our boys in our home; there are Christmas stockings for all of us in our house, including Graham. The boys know when they see a red bird that it’s their big brother checking in on them. They know when things are tough, we pray to God and ask their guardian angels to watch over them. I might not shout this to the world, but it’s something I carry with me every day. I am a mother to 3 sweet and silly boys, always and forever.
What are my hopes for the future?
I simply hope to love big and show how good God can be. Our world is often divided; there is so much conflict, tension, and bitterness when you open up social media or turn on the news. It can be very dark. And I want to see the light. I want to see the joy in our world; to see the excitement and the good in our lives. I want my children, my friends, the people I work with, and anyone I interact with to see the possibilities when we look for the good. Let’s stop and smell the roses. Let us focus on what matters most – our families, friends, and God. Truly that’s all that matters.
I’d love to envision a world without sickness or death; without mothers losing their children; a world where a brother doesn’t grow up never meeting his other brother. I am also a realist. I know that life will always include tragedies. There are fires, cancers, hurricanes, and unimaginable loss. It’s not because of God. This world was never perfect. Regardless of how dark it can be, God told us if we see the light in Him, we will always have a bright future. I believe in miracles and I know there will be death, hardships, and loss. What matters is how we handle those moments and how we find God in the day-to-day.
Lastly, I hope Graham knows I love him dearly; I hope he’s proud of us. My final words are to Graham. You are never forgotten and always missed. I love you forever and we will see you again.
#growgrahamgrow 