Have you ever felt exhausted or stressed from trying to make sure everything is just right? I know I have been guilty of this. There have been many times where I would try to control a situation and fix it all by myself. Sometimes, I could get by and make it work, but I often felt anxious throughout the process and drained afterwards. However, since Graham’s illness, I find myself releasing that control. It’s definitely not easy, but I try my best to just trust God and let Him do His job.
When Graham was hospitalized I asked the doctors countless questions. I meticulously watched the nurses as they cared for Graham so I could learn what I needed to do. I spent hours researching Graham’s symptoms, ways to care for a child with special needs, exercises to help with Graham’s physical therapy, etc. I was tired and I wasn’t finding an answer “to fix” Graham. It wasn’t something I could do on my own. At that moment, as I released my control, I finally found peace within. When I let go of the desire to be in charge, I let God in. And with that I was finally okay not knowing what would happen next. I was okay not understanding why this was happening. Instead I knew that I needed to let God do His job and take care of everything else. And I did my job – obeying Him & being Graham’s mom. With this realization, I finally was able to just sit with Graham and snuggle. I finally smiled as I would sing Snuggle Puppy to him and every day we took silly selfies using every filter on Snapchat.
But more importantly, I finally found contentment as I held Graham and prayed. Now don’t get me wrong, I still asked questions and did everything that a mom could do for her son, but instead of relying on myself, and only myself to help Graham, I realized God was in charge, and I was just his Earthly helper.
Psalm 37:5 states, “Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him, and He will act.” It is so simple! If you commit to the Lord, and really trust Him, He will take charge – not you! When my controlling nature tries to interfere, I try my best to release that urge and instead pray. If I commit to Him, He will show me the way. Knowing He’s in charge instead of me, is such a relief! I find comfort knowing I am not alone, and that my problems are in His hands.
Since Graham’s passing, so many people ask us how are we doing. I know every day is different, but truthfully we are okay. And I think we are okay because my husband and I live this verse. We have turned our lives over to Him, trusting Him, and we believe He will act for us. To me, this simple verse, and living it by releasing control has been our secret to finding peace within. It is difficult to let go, but I think you’ll find it gets easier and you’ll be happier when you let Him in.