Pregnancy After a Loss

It’s been an exciting spring in the Collins’ household as we prepare for the arrival of baby Carter Collins. After our successful transfer, we tackled many items on our to-do list. From nursery preparation, to tying up loose ends at work, to enjoying quiet date nights before the baby arrives – we have been busy! Although it is quite satisfying to check things off our baby prep list, it’s also been an emotional time for our family as well. We’ve experienced everything from happiness to fear, which I think is common after the loss of a child. Not to mention, my pregnancy with Graham was anything but normal! I think many women who experience miscarriage, stillbirth, or an infant loss share similar feelings. The pregnancy is welcomed, but our grief and worries often overshadow the excitement. When Brandon & I struggle with fears, we often pray. Philippians 4: 6-7 reminds us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” When worries creep in, I remind myself to stop, thank God for all that He has done, and pray for peace over my anxious heart. In those moments, I am reminded that Carter is a child of our Heavenly Father, and since he is in God’s hands, there is no need for me to worry. It’s not always easy given our past, but it does help knowing that Carter has the best brother and his Papa T looking out for him as well.

In the midst of our fears, we made sure to celebrate this sweet baby. We put together a pregnancy book, something I never did with Graham since he showed up so early. Brandon was able to capture countless bump pics to document our journey, we took a babymoon to New York, and our friends threw us the most thoughtful sprinkle. Baby Carter is loved by so many and for that, we are so thankful. I know many women who experience similar fears as us, let that dominate their experience, and if that is what they want to do, then that’s ok. But I wanted to make sure that this baby knows even when we were afraid, we were also so excited to meet him.

I have also struggled with the inevitable comparison of Carter to Graham. I am so excited for Carter to get here, but I do worry about comparing him to Graham, and vice versa. I know every parent probably shares a similar concern when expecting their second child, but in our case, I can’t help but feel it’s a little different. I want to make sure to balance how we honor our first born Graham, who we lost, without it affecting our second child Carter, who is alive, in a negative way. What I mean is, I don’t want Carter to feel like he can’t live up to this memory of Graham, and I don’t want Graham to feel left out or that Carter is a replacement by any means. I know these concerns might sound silly. As I type it out, I can’t help but think how absurd I sound, but I often find myself worrying about this. Carter will be able to do things Graham never did – he’ll run, talk, even hug and kiss us. And as he grows up, he’ll give us memories that Graham never can. But Carter will also be able to talk back, break rules, disappoint us even. He’ll behave like every other child and teenager, again something Graham never can. Even though they are both our children, the experience raising them will be vastly different. I pray that Graham and Carter know we appreciate their differences and love them both equally.

As you can see, these aren’t the typical fears and concerns most expecting moms face. But at the end of the day, all that matters is we are having a baby! Sometimes it’s hard to celebrate and shout out because of our past, but I remind myself, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland” (Isaiah 43:18-19). This is God’s new plan for us and we must rejoice in it. And as for our fears for the future, I know everything will fall into place as God continues to lead the way.