On May 30th, Carter Bennett Collins made his grand debut and we could not be more in love. Carter quickly settled into our world. He has met so many of our friends and family, he is accustomed to our routines like evening walks around our neighborhood, and he thinks his fur brother Franco is just the goofiest. Every day we thank God for this blessing and promise to do our best as his parents.
“Every good and perfect gift is from above.” James 1:17
But something is very different in our home. Even though he is the only child living under our roof, he isn’t our first baby. The firsts with Carter, were not our firsts as parents. When we left the hospital with only one baby in tow, and no other children at home to greet us, it would appear that we were clueless new parents who were about to be broken in by this bundle of joy. But we weren’t. We have been down this path before. The first time we gave him a bath, bottle, or watched him break out of his swaddle, were firsts with Carter, but not our firsts as parents. This isn’t the first baby to sit in our puppy swing, or the first to play in the nature activity gym. Carter isn’t the first baby to sit up in our frog chair. In fact, watching Carter sit in the frog chair for the first time, brought tears of joy, but also sadness because his brother Graham sat in that chair first.
Moments like this remind me, that Carter is loved in a very different home than most of the people we know. It is a home full of love, but also blended with happiness, sadness, excitement, and also grief. As I watch Carter in the frog chair, I imagine what it would have been if Graham were there. I imagine Graham helping Carter play with the butterfly toy, and watching the two of them laugh when Carter discovers the crinkle noise it makes. This is when I miss Graham the most. I wish Graham could kiss Carter, or I even wish for a moment where Graham becomes jealous of the attention a new baby takes from him. I wish Graham was here to make our life twice as messy, twice as crazy, twice as loud, and twice as happy. But he isn’t. And that is the reality of the world Carter is in. As a mom, I don’t want this hurt Carter. I do not want the differences in our home to make Carter feel any less loved, because that is not the case at all. But the reality is, with joy, there will always be a bit of sadness in our hearts.
Although this battle between happiness and loss is ever present in our home, one thing that is constant is our faith. When grief strikes, we are reminded to turn to God and ask for His help when we are struggling. When we look at Carter and our hearts feel as if they will explode, we thank God for this blessing He has given us. The scripture, “Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise,” could not be truer in our home. Carter’s smile melts my heart every day and I know we have a healthy son because of our Heavenly Father. But there are days when my heart hurts and prayer is the healing medicine I need. When I notice the grief weighing on my heart, I also use it as an opportunity to talk to Carter about his brother. We still have many photos of Graham in our house, and we chose to keep many of Graham’s toys, clothes, even some of the artwork and décor from his room. At first it was tough to see Carter in “Graham’s stuff” or playing with “Graham’s toys” or even looking at a room that looked similar to Graham’s, but we realize these “things” are great avenues for Carter to get to know his brother. It’s a way for us to talk to him about Graham and for us to share how special he was to us. These moments where we can talk to Carter about Graham are more special than anyone can know. But as much as we love sharing our Graham memories with Carter, we love watching Carter become his own silly self, making his own stories for us to share.
That is the next adventure for our family and it is one that I am so excited to take on. God chose us to be Graham and Carter’s parents and I am forever grateful for that. I know this journey of motherhood will be complex, but with God’s help, I will do my best for both my boys.